I have managed to get home, against all odds: I lost myself and the car and have been sitting on the floor, naked, trying to ignore the sound of my laptop overheating. I found two bits of blu-tack flattened into my floorboards covered in graphite that is the same colour and density as the marks left by my clogs on the bones of my feet. I have a headache and everybody wants to go to London Fields but I can't go anywhere near public transport right now because I would have to look into peoples' faces.
I'm completely blindsided but it's not even 4pm on a Tuesday so maybe it doesn't count.
If I was an onion, I would be enormous but I don't think there would be many edible parts of me at all.